Help Me!

I don't know what I did wrong.
I behaved at puppy school, I saw the certificate, I know I passed. I didn't chase the ball, I tried my hardest to stay when mom told me to, even though I had made other plans, like sniffing poodle bums and scratching myself. But for some reason, my mom has been torturing me for the last 3 days. She puts on that torture device, she calls it a Halti, I call it a whisker puller. She makes me walk beside her and then she takes me to the longest set of stairs I have ever seen. Although I have to say, I'm not out much and have really only seen the stairs at our house, I have a feeling these stairs are the longest, I heard her count today and I think she said 106 and then she passed out.
Sally doesn't come with us, I think she's wise to mom's shinanigans. I think I saw her snicker at me when mom put on the whisker puller.
I have to say in mom's defence, I have been full of piss and vinegar in the morning, at least that's what she tells dad. I'm trying something new, I saw it on tv. Some dogs bring slippers to their humans, I thought I'd try it. But I really like having the slipper in my mouth, it soaks up the slobber. Instead I give the girl a scratch on her leg. It makes her howl, I figure that means she likes it.
So maybe this is why mom drags me down the stairs, walks to nowhere in particular and then drags me back up and then, as if she has forgotten what's she's doing, she drags me back down and then, she must remember that we already did that and she runs back up. Silly mom.
I think I heard her mumble something about me being strong enough to drag her home should she pass out at the top. Whatever! If she lets go of that leash, I'm out there! I've got bums to sniff and pinecones to eat.