Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Hinterland Who's Who

Deep in the lush vegetation in an area of Rutland, a habitat known as The Williams' Backyard, you may find a rare species of tailless canine. This species, Caninious Escapimus, more red in colour than it's golden counterparts, has migrated from the Mission area to this location where it has used it's amazingly strong front legs to landscape this 'Backyard', turning it from a relatively flat lot into a pock marked field that those with weak ankles should avoid. His main objective is, like his name implies, to escape. He has the unique ability to collapse his skeleton and can then slide under even the tightest of chain link fencing.
The Caninious Escapimus, also known as That Dog, has used it's vice like jaws to uproot any and all unwanted vegetation in this 'Backyard' , so that there will be no obstacles to crash into when That Dog gets a sudden, but brief burst of energy. Caninious Escapimus is also an excellent fruit and nut picker, jumping 6 feet vertically from a sitting position, That Dog can pick fruit that most humans cannot reach. That Dog's diet consists mainly of sticks, grass, fruit, nuts, stuffed animals, and small children's body parts, followed by an occasional human's bum cheek and boob, this breed will eat just about anything.
Being tailless, it is hard to read the many moods of That Dog, researchers have concluded that you can with some certainty read the positioning of the ears. There are 'Good Dog Ears' which hang loose and relaxed, and 'Bad Dog Ears' which are pulled back and 'open' so that he can hear you trying to flee his attacks.
The live span of the breed is normally 12-15 years, but due to the hijinx of That Dog, this rare breed may only live until tomorrow. If you get the rare opportunity to see That Dog escaping from it's natural habitat, you will most likely hear the angry, tortured howl of another rare animal, Angrius Momius if this happens, run, run very fast in the other direction.


RAE said...

ha-ha....I have to get D to read this b/c we've been moaning about the damage done to our yard by a certain dog whose name we won't mention and misery always loves company so I always point out the stuff Linus does. This will make him feel better...thx

Tara said...

I'm sitting here at work (pretending to work!) LMAO, and people are looking at me like I'm weird! LOL!
I love it!

Don't forget eating your socklets, and the hoodie hoods, boobs, arms, legs, knees, & occasional 'love handle' of a certain friend-dog's mom...